I think I won the penis lottery.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
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Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
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I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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