So drunk its hurt
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
