Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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