Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
