How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Did you pee in the oven last night??
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
