if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
