I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
