Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
