so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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