i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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