So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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