I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
