I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
