I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
