just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
