My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
