his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
