I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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