Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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