Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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