Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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