I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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