It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
