alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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