I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
