It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
