i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
