Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
