I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
