between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
