Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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