How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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