Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
