Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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