if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
