Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
