I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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