im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
