I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
