did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
