She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
