Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
