i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Locals Wish Tourists Would Stop Doing These 27 Things
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
25 True Facts That Sound Fake AF
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well