I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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