I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
