How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
