Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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