i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
soo... how was my night?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
