If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
