Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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