hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
