turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
