I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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