Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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