We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
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