He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
