so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
