I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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