Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
