Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
