I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
