Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
